beyondblue Ambassador Paul Walshe
“It started in the late 90’s, at a time when my life was otherwise at its highest point.
“I was happily married with a two-year-old son, it was my seventh year in the police force and, finally, all my hard work was beginning to pay off. However, in spite of all my good fortune, I watched myself go from being a happy-go-lucky work colleague, father and husband to a sleep-deprived pessimist with anger-management issues. I believe a major trigger was watching a very graphic crime-scene video during my training in detective school.
“I started drinking more than usual, waking around at four in the morning, no matter what time I put my head down, and my lack of patience with my son was beginning to frighten me. I started going into work early, working twice the hours and having trouble concentrating on the job. In the end, I gave up going to bed at all – what was the point? I stayed on the couch, sometimes going to the garage where I made a few calls to Lifeline.
“In January, 1999, I contacted The Police Welfare Unit, and said, ‘I need to speak to a counsellor, I’m in trouble’. Within a couple of minutes, a counsellor rang and everything I told her was through tears.
“Eventually, I told my counsellor the truth – that I had a suicide plan and I’d put certain things in certain places so that, if I was going to do it, it was going to happen quickly.
“Immediately, she referred me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed severe depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and an anxiety disorder. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for three months.
“Over the next four to five years, I had four more hospital admissions and three suicide attempts, the most serious of which resulted in my being admitted to intensive care and I was very lucky not to have achieved what I set out to do.
“Early 2004 was the rock bottom, and after I came out of hospital, I was feeling great.
“At the time, I was working with Victoria Police and knew there wasn’t much available in terms of services or understanding in the workplace, so I just walked into beyondblue one day and said ‘This is me, this is what I’ve been going through in the past few years and this is the job that I do, and I want to do something to help beyondblue’.
“I definitely would have found the way back booklets helpful if they were available at that time. Something people often ask when I’m speaking is ‘Do you think in today’s climate of understanding, things would have been different?’ And I say absolutely, the number one thing for me was that I was too scared for people to know that I was failing in my own eyes and I was too scared for anyone to know.
“I’m still recovering today, thanks to my parents and my doctors who I still see regularly. It’s taken time and effort to find the right treatment. My marriage ended in 2003 and I’m no longer in the police force, but I have more time to spend with my two sons.